2:15am, I just got back from Simons birthday celebration which was at a local KTV. I can’t really say that I had a great time, despite being around people that I’ve known for a while here and drinking almost excessively, but not quite. I don’t think that I really like KTV’s at all. It seems impossible for me to have any fun in them at all unless I’m completely drunk, and I’m not sure if I’m in favor of being in a place where I have to be inebriated to enjoy myself.

I’m really reminded that this journey is as much about learning about another culture as it is learning about myself. There’s an equal emphasis on the external as there is on the internal. I’m finding it a lot easier to find answers about the world around me than I am about the world inside of me. I’m certain that I’m thinking too far into this, but I’ll humour myself.

I have such an easy time making aquaintances, and such a difficult time making good friends. I’ve never had a best friend, and I think that’s because I’ve never really wanted one, because I’ve always felt that friends sort of come and go like seasons. I’m comfortable with that, but I’m questioning the origin of my own ethic more often. Maybe it’s a rhetorical question of character that has no answer.

With all of this said, I don’t think that any of this is a problem unless I see it to be one. I often choose to spend time alone rather than with people who I consider to be mediocre company. I seem to know very few people who feel the same way about this that I do. I’d like to pursue photography, or design, or practice my Chinese, or explore new parts of China, rather than sleep all day and spend all night in clubs getting drunk. I have no interest in meeting women who don’t interest me intellectually and emotionally as well as physically. My criteria seems so much higher, and thus, my time seems so much more available; not to suggest that I’m bored often.

At the concern over the weeked I ran into Brady. He was with a pair of Chinese girls who he introduced me to. They spoke a little bit of English, so I spoke with one of them for a few minutes. I was asking her what she was passionate about. I like it when people ask me this question, because I feel like it’s a blunt and straight forward question which both affirms my involvement in something, as well as verifying that I’m not just a zombie in auto-pilot, which many people seem to be. This is usually signified by the “I like everything”, or the “I listen to everything” answer, should you ask about what kind of music they listen to. Her English name was Jenny; I asked her what she liked to do. She said that she likes to do whatever I like to do, and that I should call her. I thought that she was joking, but I asked her again, this time more seriously, and she said that she didn’t reallly know. I should probably be able to respect her self-admitted lack of direction, but I really yearn to be around people with some kind of convinction. At the time, I couldn’t think of much else for her to say to bore me. I’d rather she say that she’s really passionate about punk music, which I hate.

I guess you could say that I’m waiting to feel like I really connect with someone, be it a romantic or platonic connection. The kind where nothing is said, but you know that something is there, because you’re both calm and you’re both being yourself; even if nothing is said (or in Chinas case, understood). I often hear people say that I intimidate people upon first introduction, and I think this could lead to them reacting to me in strange and different ways. All I really want is for people that I meet to be themselves and not care what they think I think about them. Is that too much to ask?

This has been the truest, most angst-ridden blog I think I’ve ever posted. If I had a photo of myself with eye shadow, I’d post it here.

I must admit, I’ve been listening to Sea Change this entire time.